Flipping Tables on Harmful Theology

I remember at 5 years old standing with my friend at the grocery store a few feet away from my Mom who was filling out a banking slip. Before I knew it I turned around to see a grown man right in front of us. We were so little we weren’t even up to his waist. He exposed himself to us and I ran to tell my Mom. She yelled at him as he ran and she began to chase him and stopped immediately knowing she needed to stay with us. I said, “Mommy, he was poor and he couldn’t afford underwear.” She knelt down to our level and said, “No, Nicole, he was a pervert who showed his privates to you and your friend. That is sick. There is no excuse.” I was always grateful that my mother didn’t white wash this grave sin. 

I was 5 or 6 years old in front of my house playing when a 12 year old boy dragged me into an ally to choke me. My feet were dangling and hatred was in his eyes. He was a victim of his father’s abuse and so I was an easy target. My father found out and spoke with the boy’s father. The boy never went near me again.

When I was 11 years old we had moved away from the Christian school I loved and attended as a child to one upstate that I disliked. I remember that the school was k-12 and we had a dress code that we all followed. A senior who was 18 began to sexually harrass me, saying dirty things and pushing me against the wall. I told the principal but he said that I must have “done something to lead him on.” So I told my Father and my brother and let’s just say that he never bothered me again. 

I was in youth group at 12 or 13 years old and once again sexual harrassment started. I told the youth leader who talked to the boys but I still didn’t feel safe and eventually stopped attending. There was a boys will be boys “encouragement talk”.

I remember when a girl in our private school contacted me about a family member abusing her sexually. I promised I wouldn’t tell anyone but felt led to tell my mother and we went to the school to tell the principal. They didn’t want to act on it since all of the family paid tuition and they were afraid to lose the money. Instead, I was blamed for “spreading gossip” when I told no one. 

I was pleading to go to public school so I could enter an accelerated program, take various languages that the Christian school didn’t offer. My parents agreed. I took my Bible with me in my backpack to tell others about Jesus. One day, I was a freshman in High School when a boy I didn’t know grabbed my butt, so I picked him up with one hand and threw him into a locker. I was labeled as “not liking boys” so I must like girls. 

When I was 14 I began to work after school at a local retail shop in a small mall area. I was always the only one working. An adult man called asking if we carried sizes for his daughter. He then asked what I looked like. I didn’t answer and he began to call the store constantly. I picked up one time and he told me that he knew my hours and was going to wait for me in the parking lot and rape me over and over. We ended up having a manager come in and the same man would scream and yell asking for me by name and making threats terrifying the manager. I called the police and the male cop asked if I said anything to lure him. The female cop looked at him and said, “SHE IS FOURTEEN”. The threats kept happening terrifying me. Eventually I left choosing a different place to work.

All the while dealing with unwanted attention, I would get approached by men older than me, and when I ignored them I was called every name in the book. 

When I first started college away from home, I was excited to join a ministry group by a lead Pastor. One night, he offered to walk me to the dorm and then pushed his way into my room. The spirit of the Lord came upon me and I lifted him up with one hand, opened the door, threw him in the hallway of the dorm against the wall and he slid down the wall shock in his face. My eyes were blazing fire. One of the other attendees who was female told me that this pastor forced himself on her. I reported him and the ministry and pastor was shut down. Yet, still somehow I was blamed by the members of the ministry. 

When I was an RA in college I remember watching out for the girls on my floor. I warned them not to leave any beverage unattended or allow someone to hand you a drink that they didn’t pour. I recall that it was around 2:00 am when I heard a ruckus in the hall. I caught a guy dropping off a clearly intentionally drugged girl by her door and trying to run. I caught up and pushed him against the wall and said, “Spill it. NOW” He told me that she had been gang raped by the fraternity he was pledging. They drugged her and he said, I just dropped her off I swear! I discerned by the fear and the Lord that he was telling the truth. I reported it and the fraternity was shut down. Word got around that it was me and the guys tried to threaten me. I said, “good luck but just remember if you try it, they won’t find your body” ( I wasn’t as saved then)  and began my MMA kickboxing journey. 

That was only the first 21 years of my life. There is so much more. 

Growing up with parents that lead together and labored together both working inside and outside the home, and each operating by their gifts not their gender, imagine my surprise when I began to hear of false teaching called complementarianism and other harmful theology that perpetuates abuse. In fact, the common theme among all of these places is that they believed in the harmful theology of complementarianism and male headship. 

Imagine my shock when women would come to me in tears because their husbands were sexually assaulting them and pastors counseling them that “it’s not rape if you are married”. Imagine my absolute disgust when women would beg for the help of their leaders as they were being verbally, emotionally, or/and, physically abused only to hear “God hates divorce”. Imagine the shock as these victims were told “submit more” and “don’t demand anything”. 

Imagine the betrayal of seeking the help of a Shepherd only to be met with a Hireling. 

Imagine the terror as these victims were told that their husbands were the “head” when they didn’t even know scripture ( only the verses they could weaponize) or the love of God; as if somehow a sex organ qualifies one to lead. 

It’s disgusting.

It’s ridiculous.

It’s not Biblical

It perpetuates abuse

It’s PRIDE

If after reading this you still think that patriarchal structures don’t exist you would be wrong.

The issue is that they exist where they shouldn’t - The Church. Poor theology and lack of context has created an entire class of slaves and masters. When we lack biblical understanding of the Pauline letters, its context, the culture, and the group they were written for we look foolish. The same scripture taken out of context has another before it regarding slaves and masters. If we were to look at the same argument we could say that Paul was advocating a return to slavery, yet he isn’t. He was commenting on how to live within the confines of their structure at the time as well as dealing with origin fallacy and spiritual mixtures. Not only that, but there are other places in scripture where Paul commends the Apostle Junia, as well as many other women who worked tirelessly alongside him. 

Jesus broke the curse. He is our High Priest, and we are ALL a royal priesthood and a holy nation. 

We labor together

We lead together

We fuflfill God’s genderless call upon our lives

We are each one side of His Beautiful Cheek

We are One

That is what freedom looks like. 

I know that this isn’t a popular topic and many tiptoe around it and try to pretend it doesn’t exist, but I don’t have that luxury, nor do I want that luxury. The Lord has sent me too many of His Daughters in tears over the lack of support from church leaders and the absolute shunning of the congregation due to a sister choosing LIFE for herself and her children rather than a life of abuse.

Why is it that the same people who claim to be pro-life believe that women and children should be sacrificed on the altar of abuse? 

If in today’s day and age where information, translations, and more are available to learn this truth, and yet there is refusal, then you are choosing ignorance because you have something to gain from it, and that is far from the fruit of Christ. 

You have made a Christ of your own making and you must repent.

To support women in Domestic Violence Situations click here.